I apologise to myself|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Monday, February 21st, 2005|
Ok, since my last entry in January, I went to see the Used at Cardiff Uni, which was fun, 'Your code name is mylo', if that is indeed how u spell it were really cool, must try and find some more of their stuff - cool. I also met up with Gwyneth there, which was nice to talk, hadn't seen her in quite a while.
I went to the Tsunami relief gig thing in the Millennium Stadium which was also fun.
I've been to bedwas gigs, i don't think i enjoy them much anymore, i just feel like i don't belong there, I always feel much worse after a night there than how I did before I went there, plus it's kinda far away to have a shitty night out.
Went to the NME tour, which was pretty amazing. Keiser Chiefs, Blocparty, Futureheads and the killers - Keiser Chiefs, were really good, Blocparty were a bit disappointing, really 'sporadic' (spelling) the futureheads were really good - and of course the killers were superb, managed to get me some cool pics on siwan' digital camera. we both stole a poster off the walls of the uni, (very cool) got badges, and got a cheap black marketesque brown t-shirt from the floor outside the uni!
Half term was hectic, good and bad, monday was my aunt's funeral - which, inevitably was distressing. (quick story, to remind me of how horrible the first ten mins were). There was no more room in the funeral cars for me, so I had to go in "slightly" early to compare with the rest of my family, so I walked in and said i was family and that there was no room for me in the cars etc, and the woman sat me in the second pew (how do you spell that???) which was ok to start, but then the back of the church started to get really full, and it was quite noisy in there, and I was just completely on my own, and I'll never forget it. it was as if i was being condemned for something i hadn't done or whatever, it was a really peculiar feeling that i'd never experienced before, i was on my own, upset. and then i noticed the coffin, it was basically totally in front of me, and i hadn't noticed it yet, and it hit me, that my dead aunt was lying in that coffin. and i started to cry, and i didnt have a tissue (stupid me) so i had to use my sleeve to dry my eyes, which made them 'redder' than they ever would have been. The rest of my family came in, and it made me worse, my sister sat next to me, and we cried together. i really tried not to cry, i repeated to myself in my head over and over again, don't cry, what's the point in wasting energy over and over again, crying, because of course i'd cried in my house, and in the toilets in school, and on the train on the way to cardiff, and in my uncle's house when he'd invited us up there to keep him company. but , again, inevitably i cried, and the vicar just kept going, "our sister patricia...will be missed...by so many.....she enjoyed holidays and dancing with Richie" and that's when I broke down, they loved to go dancing, and now there was no one left for Richie to go dancing with, he was utterly alone, he is utterly alone. they loved to dance, if i think about it, they were always dancing at family gatherings, even when there wasn't any music, and they'd dance so tenderly, leaning against each other. so sweet. the journey back home in the funeral car was strange, just really really strange. then we spent a few hours talking to their friends, explaining how we were related to people, and talking about ourselves. my cynical elements would moan - apparently a funeral is an axcuse for everyone to become incredibly 'nosey' and ask what are your 'predicted grades' for your A levels, and also; (even weirder) "i know u like music and drama and things, someone was telling me you've been on a few auditions...any luck?" i replied "....yes thankyou...." *walk away.
the more tolerant side of me would say - that people become interested in you, because you're there, they don't actually care of you've been on any auditions, or if you're failing in school they just want to talk, to be polite.
Tuesday i reflected, and did school work, wednesday i did school work, and invited a few friends over for a 'gathering' in the night, which was fun, chilled-out. Thursday and Friday was practicing Les Miserable in Cardiff Bay - tiring, but fun, got 'shortlisted' for a part - doubt i'll get one though, there are some seriously talented people down there, all rounders, if i can just get a few lines where i'm on my own, that'll be enough for me.
up to date! the last weekend has pretty much been spent in bed, (memorial for my aunty sat.) i have a cold! great. thought i hadn't had one in a while!
xoxox Current Mood: ill
Haven't updated for over a month, because my crappy connection has been faulty, and I couldn't be bothered to sort it out, and after all that time wasted, (doing other things, possibley more important) the phone call lasted all of ten minutes, and now my internet is fine! good. So much has happened, obviously, but i don't think i can recall the whole last month of my life. i'll just start with today, i'm ill, have a cold, that's why i'm off school, prob will be tomorrow aswell, and i will be off to swansea on wednesday so i'll be in school on thursday! great. Ye, i'll try and fill in the gaps (for my sake,) so there might just be some random dates on here from now on, with tiny, minor details.
|Friday, January 21st, 2005|
I've been home for about thirty minutes. i've been to my beloved cardiff for rhi's 18th, though I hardly saw her. Visited the some what comforting city arms, and other places, that were fun. Didn't get too drunk, because of lack of money, and lack of wanting to get drunk. Danced with Ffion, to a medley of Steps songs!??? And I smell of smoke. Had fun with Ffion though, going to bars of the gay type.
Had my last exam today, thank WJEC, lol. History, some crap about Attlee, and the Battle of Britain, I wished I'd revised more, because we knew what questions were going to come up, so I should have used my time more wisely. Meh, only need BBC for cardiff anyway.
I'm looking forward to my first weekend without doing any sort of work since around the 10th of december, which now I think about it, isn't a long time. But it seems like I've being working toward these exams since for ever! hope I do ok, would really like not to resit in the Summer - give me ABB, and I'll be happy - honestly.
I'm tired, I know it's almost 1 in the morning, but I feel like these exams have really pushed me further than anything else has before, not just the volume of exams, (having 4 exams in three days, and 6 exams in the space of 11 days) but how important they are. I've totally wasted so much time worrying about them, using up energy wondering if I'd mentioned one more historian, or one more authority on Welsh literature of the 6th century, would I have done better? We'll see come March.
Next target - audition on tuesday for another musical, woopdoo! Doubt i'll get it though, not feeling up to it at the moment either. Then Aber exams, 7/8/9 - two of the three days, not sure which ones. And on the 6th - The Killers!!!! Very excited, some me and Siwan time as well, which is always nice. Two welsh tests coming up - (i make lists, to remind me, otherwise I forget things easily)!
So I shall leave now, for a good night of sleep, the first without worry for weeks!!! And, in the morning, what shall be waiting for me, but a 'lie in'. Bless thee! lol.
xox Current Mood: tired
|Wednesday, January 19th, 2005|
I have one exam left, well, one external exam that is of any importance. And I'm beginning to feel like I've made the biggest monumental mistake of my young 17 year old life. Everyone around me, is working toward something, somewhere at least. And it seems that I've applied to universities that I don't actually want to go to.
A few months ago, I was all for staying in Wales, and studying and doing well here, then possibly contemplating going to London or somewhere to do a Masters or whatever. But I don't feel that anymore, I've had this huge change of heart, and I didn't anticipate it. I haven't applied to any universities outside of Wales - and I'm completely screwed, considering the deadline for applications was last week.
I've spent a good few hours (which should have been spent revising for the history giant that is on friday afternoon) phoning different unis asking what if I can come and study there, and they're all full, no space whatsoever, and the only advice most of them have been giving me, is to try in August for clearing - which is extremely "last resort", and I can't depend on that. Basically I have to do well in my A levels, get an amazing average over the first year of uni(wherever that may be) then apply to transfer. It's so strange that I've managed to mess this up. The one thing that I was aware of how important it was, and I've managed to mess it up. It's funny, that my love for this country, has literally meant that I have to stay here for at least a year. I either go to Swansea, and do American Studies, and Politics or I go to Cardiff and do Sociology and Politics. I'm torn between the two, I wish someone would just tell me which one to go to. Just force me to make do, i "make do" well, I have done many a time over the years, and I wish someone would just make me go to either Cardiff, or Swansea, and not let there be a choice!
I'm extremely pissed off at myself at the moment - i seem to be in a perpetual state of melancholy, then pissed off, then melancholy, pissed off, great. Look what i've become, again.
On a very much lighter note, my Philip K Dick book 'A Scanner Darkly' got here today, maybe I might have a chance to read it sometime before my Summer exams.
I must also make a list of all the things I have coming up on the horizon, my sister told me if I do this it will help me calm down, and eliminate some things that I don't have to do.
1 History coursework - must
2 Sociology coursework - must
3 Aberystwyth scholarship entrance exam - will do, but won't pay any attention to!
4 Les Miserables auditions - will do, because in a few months I will regret not trying for it.
5 CF1 choir - would love to be in it, but considering I'm probably going to be going to Swansea, there's not much point
6 Cwmni choir - doubt it, this is one thing I don't really want to be a part of, plus too many teachers are in it, last time I performed with them, I just felt like they were all just listening to me, to hear if I could sing etc...
7 Revision for Summer - must.
Ok 7 maine things, (well I'll try to get rid of a few, it should not be too hard) to accomplish between now and May. I hope I can do it.
(Sorry for the spelling mistakes, I wrote this in a rush, to reflect the sense of urgency that's in this room at this very moment)
xox Current Mood: pissed off
|Sunday, January 16th, 2005|
Describe yourself using one band and song titles from that band
Created by naw5689 and taken 7129 times on bzoink!
|Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:||Death Cab|
|Are you male or female:||I was a kaleidoscope|
|How do some people feel about you:||Steadier Footing|
|How do you feel about yourself:||A lack of Colour|
|Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:||The Sound of Settling|
|Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:||Passenger Seat|
|Describe where you want to be:||Transatlanticism|
|Describe what you want to be:||Tiny Vessels|
|Describe how you live:||We laugh indoors|
|Describe how you love:||Blacking out the Friction|
|Share a few words of wisdom||Debate Exposes Doubt|
Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!
Went to Bedwas last night, but they wouldn't let me in because it was too full!!? That's crap. So we went to a pub instead. I've got my last real exam on friday, history, really am going to fail, but I kinda can't afford to. I've been accepted to Cardiff, and have an interview for Swansea, feel pleased with myself. Cardiff are asking BBC - so that's the target!
Went to the cinema on friday to see 'Closer' - very strange film, not sure whether I liked it or not.
I'm determined to master my guitar - I really can't play much at all, yet I've had it for about two years.
I've just started reading Mrs Dalloway again - I adore it. But I kind of need to be revising.
And my enjoying myself must come to and end to go and revise.
xox Current Mood: normal
|Saturday, January 1st, 2005|
|underage drunks and curry
Happy New Year!
Last night was Carter's house party, it was fun, but it so wasn't for so many people. That makes me sad. Looking at it selfishly, it just highlighted my "outcast" (but that words too strong, i just can't think of another one!!) state, because I didn't get hurt by any of the relationship angst that was felt last night.
Me, Sarah and Siân arrived at about 8, and most people were on the way to being nicely drunk, which was fun, lol. I managed to totally drink the exact amount of drink, because by the morning my head didn't feel a thing! woohoo for my achievements!
People managed to be really rude and just plain nasty last night, and I hadn't seen that for so long, I thought it had kind of been erased from our school year, everyone was being friendly to each other, even if it was "fake being nice to together". At least everyone felt included. It changed last night - how can some people just switch off from what you might call a conscience I just don't know. I don't care how much you drink you can always call on some good ol' human decency. There's no need to blatantly hurt people's feelings, and be totally aware that you're doing it. It's sad that people can't be happy for people, and that they always seem like they want to spoil it a little, just a little. And they choose to do wrong, in the little bit of themselves that might influence the other - they've got one "field" in which they're semi important, and they choose to abuse their so-called power and desert their friend - it makes me feel so uncomfortable and insecure.
Got to sleep at around 4 woke up at 8 wanting to leave. I'll never go back, I don't mean to Carter's - it was very cool that he could have a party, and that i was invited, lol. but i'll never go back to the same place ever again - if i'm ever tempted i'll read this post.
xox Current Mood: uncomfortable
|Monday, December 27th, 2004|
Well, christmas is pretty much over and I just watched Nelly Mckay on Later With Jools - she's so strange, in the best way - i must download or borrow some of her stuff from somewhere! I'm now being entertained by BBC news 24 - because I can't sleep, and I just made the most wonderful minidisc including Stevie Wonder, Alanis Morissette and Republica - rangey! I'm proud.
Had a cool christmas, I had a Chomsky book from Huw (thanks!), and a copy of 'A child's christmas in Wales', Dylan Thomas, off Siwan and Carys - so that was sweet. Had the routine family meetings on christmas day, which were inevitabley tinted with poignancy - illness seems to be sweeping the family and i'm apparently "off" to uni - never to return again I'm sure!
I'm spending New Year's at Carter's house - a guy from school i hardly know, but i received an invite - so that's cool, spending the night with great golden friends!
see you soon
|Monday, December 20th, 2004|
I haven't written in a journal for quite a long time, and when I used to write in it, I invited everyone to read it, and to analyse, that is something I insist on stopping myself from doing this time. This is a pure personal journal, that is there for me to remember what I said, when I said it, etc, for my own personal use. And i'm sorry to myself, for subjecting myself to that self inflicted abuse, I am sorry.
Ok, my sixth form's christmas party was last night, it was fun, though i was slightly alone, and felt slightly out of place on the dance floor. not that i'm uncomfortable with dancing, lol, just uncomfortable with the fact that the people I was dancing with, didn't really know me, although they insisted that they did. Sian was with Andrew, Alex was with Darren, Huw was with Carys, I saw a pattern emerging. So I bailed, and spent an amount of time, don't remember how much exactly, outside on the little banking thing outside, watching the party. Then people discovered me, so I had to say I was too drunk, and needed fresh air - everyone I had to explain to bought that shit excuse, which I found pretty funny.
Today I watched 'Little Women' - I do have a certain amount of affection toward that film. It makes me feel good, which is strange, because it's a film that reminds me of leaving home, etc. which is a very strong element of why I'm feeling particularly strange recently, I'm scheduled to leave for university in a little over 9 months, and I'm scared, I'm scared of being nothing again, I've worked hard to become someone who people know, in sixth form, as in, they literally know my name, not much else, but at least they know who I am. Before then I was what i would describe as wall paper - and I resent the fact that there's a huge possibility of me becoming wall paper when I go to uni, just older, more mature wall paper - which is worse because by then I was supposed to have adopted this ultra confidence to help me through it - which hasnt happened.
I've also had a very big hand in the destroying of many of my true friendships that I've had the pleasure of possessing over the past few years. Rhiannon, etc, Sian etc, Siwan etc, i hope the list gets no longer. I don't know what's wrong with me, but everytime I get close to someone I manage to push them away, with ease. It amazes me how easily I can determine when a friendship should finish - the ticking bomb analogy.
Well, again this journal entry is all about apologising, and forgiveness. Again, I must apologise to those i've hurt, and mostly to myself, for heartlessly wounding myself over and over again. I don't forgive myself yet, that I hope will come with time.
Right now I must focus on exams, and partying! - New Year's!!!!!! xox Current Mood: uncomfortable